The Psychiatrist and the Pea
by Pesh
Summary: A parody on the Princess and the Pea that Ihad to write for a school assignment. Lots of humor. plz r&r!


By: Christine Barton  
  
Characters ~  
  
Narrator- narrator of the story named Christine  
  
King- father of Alex, husband of Queen Queen- mother of Alex, wife of King Haley-the psychiatrist Alex- the Prince, son of King and Queen Guard- guards the palace Mrs. Barton- mother of the Narrator  
  
Announcer  
  
Jersey Devil  
  
Director  
  
Servant 1 Servant2 Servant 3 Servant 4  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
As the scene opens, we can see the NARRATOR standing in LR, and  
  
will remain there for the rest of the play. The scenery consists of a castle off in the distance, and a city to the right, also far off in the distance.  
  
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, there lived a prince named Alexander. Alexander was looking for a young and beautiful girl to be his bride. After over a year of searching for this girl, he had found no one that fit the description that he wanted, and Alex fell into a deep state of depression. He actually became so depressed that he tried to commit suicide. (Masculine scream offstage) The King and Queen became very, very worried about their only son, so they called a psychiatrist to help Alex. [Enter HALEY] HALEY (talking on a cell phone): So you'd like me to have sessions with Prince Alex? Ok, what's wrong with him? (Pause)Oh, I see, severe depression, ok. (Pause) I'll see him tomorrow at your castle, and yeah, it's fine with me to stay overnight. (Exit)  
  
[HALEY re-enters, driving a red convertible through a dense forest on a dirt path, and has the top down. She sings along to the Backstreet Boys, blasting out of her radio. She is hardly paying attention. HALEY approaches a fork in the road with a sign that says "Right Way" pointing to the left, and "Wrong Way" pointing to the right. HALEY takes the fork that says "Wrong way".]  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
NARRATOR: Meanwhile, while our psychiatrist drives to the castle, enjoying herself, the King and Queen approach their son. [Enter KING and QUEEN.] QUEEN (with concern): Alex, dear, your father and I are very worried about you. [ALEX acts as if he is not aware of his parents' presence.] KING: So I have called someone to stay at the castle to help you. [ALEX still acts clueless.] QUEEN: Alex? [ALEX doesn't answer.] [KING and QUEEN Exit, apparently frustrated.]  
  
NARRATOR: Even though she took a wrong turn, our shrink is finally about to reach her destination. But first she runs into some trouble.  
  
[HALEY enters, and is still driving along the dirt path.] NARRATOR (mysteriously): All of a sudden, out of nowhere, the Jersey Devil decides to pay a visit. [The JERSEY DEVIL jumps out of the woods and onto the hood of HALEY's car. The car stops, and HALEY looks at the monster in pure terror. The JERSEY DEVIL then looks at the NARRATOR, then points to the NARRATOR, before lunging at the NARRATOR.] NARRATOR (panicking): AHH! No! Not me stupid, her! (Points at HALEY.)  
  
JERSEY DEVIL: Oops! Sorry! Arrrgh! (Runs to HALEY in car. Picks HALEY up and drops her on the side of the dirt path in a ditch. DEVIL then jumps into the car and drives away.)  
  
HALEY (Angrily): Hey! My car! (Shakes first at DEVIL, who turns around and waves before turning the bend.)  
  
NARRATOR (Teasingly): Heh-heh! Looks like somebody has to walk! (HALEY glares at the NARRARTOR, then turns on her heel and starts to walk the rest of the way to the castle.)  
  
  
  
  
  
NARRATOR: When Haley finally reaches the castle, she approaches the castle door and knocks. [Enter HALEY] HALEY: (goes to door and knocks)  
  
GUARD: Who goes there?  
  
HALEY (puzzled): Who goes where?  
  
GUARD (louder, more slowly): Who- goes- there?  
  
HALEY: Go where?  
  
GUARD (annoyed): WHO ARE YOU?????  
  
HALEY (shocked and frightened): Geesh, you don't have to yell! If you wanted to know who I was, why didn't you just ask in the first place?  
  
GUARD: But- I did.  
  
HALEY: No, you didn't.  
  
GUARD: Will ya please just tell me who the heck you are and stop wasting my time?  
  
HALEY: Oh, yeah, right, sorry, I am, uh, Haley, Prince Alex's psychiatrist.  
  
GUARD: Thank- you. You may now enter. [The castle door opens and HALEY is greeted by the KING]  
  
KING: Welcome, I am delighted you could come, Why don't I take you to meet my son? Right this way. [The KING and HALEY exit and re-enter, as if going into another room. ALEX is sitting in a comfy looking chair staring into space. Surrounding the chair are many empty chocolate boxes, apparently all eaten by ALEX.]  
  
KING: Oh, he's busy right now, I guess you can talk to him later-  
  
HALEY (interrupting): What's wrong with you!?!? He shouldn't be eating all that chocolate! Especially Godiva chocolate! That stuff is rich! How can you let a severely depressed person eat all that chocolate!  
  
KING: Uh, yeah, I'm letting him eat it all because he kills anyone who tries to take it all away. We've already lost four servants because of that.  
  
HALEY: (looks at the KING like he's crazy)  
  
KING: And the entire castle is counting on you to get him back to normal!  
  
HALEY: You're- you're crazy!  
  
KING: Aren't we all? Now let's leave him alone and go to dinner, shall we?  
  
NARRATOR: But before Haley and the King could go down to eat, they were interrupted. [Enter QUEEN.] QUEEN: Oh, you must be Haley! So glad you're here darling. I just overheard your conversation, and before you can eat, Haley, dear, you must pass the test.  
  
HALEY: Test? What test? I never heard anything about a test.  
  
QUEEN: Hmmm, must've slipped my mind- Anyway, you have got to pass the test to see if you're a real psychiatrist.  
  
DIRECTOR (offstage): Pssst! Um, Queen? You're not supposed to say that yet!  
  
QUEEN (to DIRECTOR): Oh well! Now's when I'm gonna say it! So deal with it! If you think you can do better, you come on up here and be the Queen!  
  
NARRATOR: Um, people, we're trying to put on a play here. Can we get going?  
  
DIRECTOR: Uh, sure, go ahead. ACTION!  
  
QUEEN: Any way, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted-  
  
MRS. BARTON (interrupting from offstage): (shrilly) Christine!  
  
[QUEEN, KING, and ALEX all look at each other in confusion, then they all look at the NARRATOR.] [Enter MRS. BARTON.] MRS. BARTON (louder and more shrilly): Clarabelle!!!  
  
NARRATOR (confused and embarrassed): Umm, yes mother?  
  
MRS. BARTON: What are you doing? You are supposed to be cleaning your room!  
  
NARRATOR (frustrated): Mother! I'm busy! And besides, my room is clean!  
  
MRS. BARTON: No, it's not! Now come over here right now and clean it or there is no phone for a week!  
  
NARRATOR: Mother, you already took away my phone, and I am trying to do a play for school. Now GO AWAY!  
  
MRS. BARTON: Well, why didn't you say that in the first place? Now when you're done, you must clean your room.[Exits, humming to "Pretty Woman".]  
  
QUEEN: Now may I continue? Anyone else have some interruptions?  
  
ANNOUNCER (offstage): Uh, yes I do!  
  
QUEEN: Excuse me?  
  
ANNOUNCER (offstage): Dr. Pesh, Dr. Pesh, you're needed in surgery, Dr. Pesh!  
  
DIRECTOR (offstage): That's not part of the script!  
  
ANNOUNCER (offstage): Uh, whoops, wrong play.  
  
NARRATOR: What play is that from?  
  
DIRECTOR (offstage): ER, now please continue, Queen.  
  
QUEEN: Ok, now, where was I? Oh, yes, now I remember! You have to pass the test to see if you're a real psychiatrist. Only a real psychiatrist can feel a pea through one thousand mattresses. Unless you have you license with you?  
  
HALEY: No, I don't have it, my car was stolen. But why do I have to do this test thingy?  
  
QUEEN: Because only a real psychiatrist can feel a pea through one thousand mattresses. Now follow me. [The QUEEN and HALEY exit] NARRATOR: The Queen leads Haley to a bedroom, with the bed having one thousand mattresses piled on top of one another. The Queen instructs Haley to sleep in the bed and not get up in until the morning.  
  
QUEEN (cheerfully): See you in the morning! [Exits, slamming door and leaving HALEY speechless. HALEY looks up at the mattresses and begins to climb.]  
  
NARRATOR: For three hours, Haley has fun climbing- until she falls off. [HALEY falls.] HALEY (falling): Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Lands on floor) Oomph! (Mattresses cover her) [Enter SERVANT 1, SERVANT 2, SERVANT 3 and SERVANT 4.]  
  
SERVANT 1: Oh, no! She fell off! Where'd she go?  
  
SERVANT 2: Everyone look for her!  
  
SERVANT 3: What's wrong with you idiots! Who cares about the shrink? (Angry.) FIND THAT PEA!  
  
SERVANTS 1 &2(together): Oops, sorry.  
  
NARRATOR: The servants frantically search for the lost pea.  
  
SERVANT 4: Found it! (Eats pea.) [SERVANTS exit.] HALEY: (emerges from underneath the mattresses and spits feathers from her mouth.) Ugh! Yuck! These people are psychos! They're the ones who need me, not the Prince! [Exits.]  
  
NARRATOR: Haley became very angry with the King and Queen. After Haley raided the Godiva chocolate stored in the kitchens for Prince Alex, she killed everyone in the palace. The police found out, and now Haley spends her days behind bars with other convicted murders, just like her. Now there is a whole new meaning for the phrase "Death by Chocolate". 


End file.
